New Years Bash
by Andy0001z
Summary: Rimmer finds himself back on Reddwarf, having returned from the mother of all New Year Parties off ship. The only problem is he can't remember anything and has a worrying feeling there is more to his trip than just getting drunk.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello reader, thanks for joining me in my RD world again. Hope you enjoy the read, and please do review. Andy**

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Rimmer stood in front of the sleeping quarters mirror, he eyed his profile up and down critically. "Holly, have you altered my projection again?" his voice ringing with accusation.

Holly appeared on a nearby vid screen. "What, errr no Arnold I haven't."

Rimmer ran his hand over his waist, turning this way and that inspecting his stomach. "You sure, it seems bigger than last week."

Holly rolled his eyes. "No, that's just all the hologram turkey you ate. That and the 2 bottles of port you polished off."

Rimmer span around on the spot and glared at Holly. "That's a lie mister. I had no more than two or maybe three glasses."

"Sure Arnold, and I'm the Pope. When you and Kryten started doing the conga down the corridor with padded bras on your heads. That was the best bit by far."

Rimmers lip turned into a snarl "What!" he growled.

"What you don't believe me, I've got the video tapes if you like?" suggested Holly cheekily.

Rimmer raised an eyebrow. "I thought you said the security cameras were all on the blink."

"Sorry, forgot to mention that was only in section D."

Rimmer waved his hand at the monitor. "Well whatever, it was New Years Eve, it's about having a good time. Isn't it?"

"If you say so Arnold, but you might have had just a tad to gooda time." Replied Holly.

Rimmer stared at the bald headed middle aged image and raised his left eyebrow. "What makes you say that Holly?"

"Well you better check out the docking bay, there seems to be a ship parked in there and according to the ships log you brought it here."

Rimmer raised both eyebrows this time and blurted out three questions in quick succession. "Ship? Brought back? When?"

Holly could see the worried look in Rimmers face but decided he needed to know. "Don't know, sometime around 3pm Wednesday last week. You landed it, or rather slid it into the bay. Then staggering across the landing bay to the lifts where shouted something back at the craft."

"What?" asked Rimmer anxiously.

"Whats, what?" returned Holly.

"What did I shout?" pressed Rimmer.

"Oh that, sounded like married!" offered Holly.

Rimmer looked confused. "Married, you sure, why would I say that?" he quizzed.

"Would you like to see the video Arnold? I've filed it under classics." Offered Holly.

"Do it." Said Rimmer holding his fist to his mouth. He waited as Holly began to play the short video.

Onscreen a picture of the empty docking bay appeared the clock in the bottom corner indicated it was 2:45pm.

"Fast forward." said Rimmer.

The screen whizzed onwards until a ship came in through the door and slid sparking across the floor, all the time the scene played out at double speed.

"Stop!"

Rimmer moved closer to the screen and watched as the video image of him almost fell out of the craft and staggered across the deck. The video him stopped turned and shouted back at the craft. "MARRIED!"

Rimmer craned to hear. "Play that last 5 seconds again."

"MARRIED TUT!" said the version of him on the screen.

Rimmers face fell. His mind raced searching for memories that might explain what this statement might mean. Nothing came quickly to mind.

The video was replaced by Holly once again, who was still grinning. "Oh dear, seems you have been busy this new year."

"Look I have no idea what this means but I'm not married, got it." Said Rimmer firmly, re-enforcing his own belief that this was another of Listers jokes.

Hollys eyes focused on Rimmers hand. "What about that ring then, explain that one then."

Rimmer slowly brought his left hand into view and sure enough there on this finger was a solid gold band. He held it up in front of his eyes and inspected it.

"Oh smeg!"

"Oh smeg indeed, looks like you have someone waiting at home for you." Teased Holly.

Rimmer touched the small ring, its surface was cold, Rimmers own hologram providing no heat for it to conduct. That cold spread like a feeling of doom as he struggled to come to terms with the news.

Rimmer suddenly realised that such news like this would have been jumped on by Lister, but where is he. Where was Lister, why was he here not gloating at him for being a naughty boy and making fun at his expense?

"Err Holly where is Lister?" asked Rimmer sliding the ringed hand behind his back and out of sight.

"Oh that's an easy one, he, Kryten and the Cat didn't return from your trip."

"What trip?" asked Rimmer still not following the past two days events.

"The one you all went on to that nearby planet. You and the others all decided to carry on the party." Said Holly.

"We did?" said Rimmer rather shocked at the news

"Yes on the nearby colony world called Dice."

"Dice funny name?" mused Rimmer.

"No idea, you smeggers forgot to take old Holly here, so I have no idea what's down there."

Rimmer sat back on the nearby stool and glazed again at the gold band on his finger. He said absently. "I guess we better wait and see if they return."

"You can't, you have to go after them!" said Holly urgently.

"What, why?" snorted Rimmer.

"Because of this." Said Holly putting up a large black region of space on the vid screen.

"Holly That's space. Same danger as last week, same danger as tomorrow." Replied Rimmer sarcastically.

"No it's more than space, its black space."

Rimmer still looked at him blankly

"It's a black whole thingy and it's eating up this sector of space. If my predictions are correct we have less than 48hrs before Red Dwarf and everything on it is sucked over the event horizon."

Rimmer rolled his eyes and put his face in his hands where he muttered. "Why does this sort of thing always happen to me?"

Holly was about to answer but Rimmer cut him off with a stare that said don't you dare.

"I've no option have I?" said Rimmer.

Holly shook his head.

"Right better break out me lucky underpants then, because this husband is coming home." Said Rimmer heading towards his locker.

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**Next time: Rimmer heads to the Dice world and finds lady luck might have changed for him. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi, wow still reading, thanks. Things are revealing themselves to Rimmer and he likes where it's going.**

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Chapter two

Rimmer eyed up the controls as he sat in the cot pit in the small craft that he had apparently returned in. Holly was visible on one of the nearby dashboard screens.

Rimmer ran his hard light hand slowly over the console. "Which one?" he asked unsure where to begin.

"Hang on give us a tick I'll take a look at the manual." Said Holly disappearing off screen.

Rimmer sat there in silence. He searched his memory for anything that might shed any light on his new wife. Suddenly a memory flashed before his eyes. A great big man stood next to him grinning. He was doing so rather too much for Rimmers liking. The image flashed away again and for some reason Rimmer found he was physically shaken, this wasn't good.

Holly blipped back on screen. "Got it dude, see that button over there."

Rimmer placed his hand on a large red button. "This one?"

Holly looked alarmed. "No not that one!"

Rimmer sharply moved his hand back

"That's the engine eject button. You want the green one next to it." Said Holly.

Before Rimmer moved his hand, he frowned at Holly. "Could we please make sure the commands are clear in future. I don't want to find that I'm shot out into space in one swift move Holly."

Holly nodded in agreement, although the thought of Rimmer flying into space did appeal rather.

Rimmer pressed the button and watched as a series of lights on the console began to light up.

"Is that good?" asked Rimmer urgently.

"I don't know, I haven't got past the first page yet." Replied Holly.

Rimmer glared at him.

A final light blipped on and a female face appeared on the heads up display.

"Hello, please state you destination and clearance code please." Said the female computer in a strong welsh accent.

Rimmer looked worried and wasn't enjoying this one little bit and now he was going to have to translate as well.

Holly looked over at the other image. "She's a bit nice, do you think she's single." He said winking at Rimmer.

"WHAT! Holly I hardly think this is the time and place to start computer dating, now is it?"

Holly looked hurt. "Look here, some of us haven't got our modem away in century's."

Rimmer looked from Holly to the computer that seemed to be still waiting for instructions. "Well I don't think you're in for much conversation Holly, she seems to be command based only."

Holly eyes brightened. "Sounds just my type."

Rimmer tapped Holly's screen. "Reality to Holly, can we stay focused for more than 30 microseconds please.

"Sorry dude, something in my circuits. Let me see, ask her your last departure point." Holly suggested helpfully.

"What about the clearance code. I don't have any code." Said Rimmer sounding desperate.

"Just ask her, alright." Pressed Holly.

Rimmer looked at the female image. "Err hello there, I'm Rimmer, what's your name?" he asked.

Holly rolled his eyes. "Here what school of flight computer speak did you go to. Look, it's not a bar, just ask her directly."

"State last departure." Rimmer commanded.

The female computer replied. "Last departure point was planet Dice, sector 343, landing bay 4 alpha."

"Now what?" asked Rimmer to Holly.

"Tell her you want to go there."

"Err destination planet Dice, sector 343, landing bay 4 alpha, please." Said Rimmer hopefully.

The female repeated and confirmed the destination, then asked the question Rimmer new was coming next. "Please state your clearance code."

Rimmer sighed. "I new it, were stuffed, more stuck than a British Rail train with a driver on a coffee break."

"Let me have a word." Said Holly turning his eyes towards the female image.

"Hola me amigo. Listen, me and my, errr friend here need you to take us to get our other friends down on that planet see. So how about you help us out here." Asked Holly as nicely as he could.

Rimmer rubbed his hand over his face in frustration at having Hollys super intellect shine through once again.

The on board computer made no reply and Holly looked dumbfounded. "Looks like we have a hard nut to crack here, the Hol charm never failed me before. Mind you that might be because I've never had to deploy it before."

Rimmer sat back his head rolling back onto his shoulders. As he did a small card stuck in the roof of the cot-pit came into view. He plucked it out and examined it. As he did so he smiled.

"What you got there, is it one of those football stickers, I bet it's that fella that no one could ever get, what's his name." asked Holly.

"David Beckham?" said Rimmer ideally.

"Yeah that's the fella, after that incident with the camel and the football they never did forgive him.

"Well no it's not it's better than that, it's the command code." Grinned Rimmer.

Rimmer turned his attention back to the computer. "Command clearance code Alpha, Beta, nine, nine, zero, four, tango, whisky, coke, hold the ice."

"Clearance granted, take off in 5…4…" began the computer.

Rimmer braced himself.

"3...2…1.. have a nice trip." Finished the computer.

Rimmer sat there stiffly watching as the craft auto piloted out of the hanger and into space. Then his face and body pushed back violently as the craft went super sonic.

* * *

Soon Rimmer could see the landing bay coming into view. He scanned the terrain and watched as jets of flame and smoke shot into the grey sky. He could see several building had huge search lights on their roofs that traced the night's sky. The city wasn't huge but it was dense.

As they touched down the ship played a small jingle and promptly announced their arrival. It also suggested they check in with their space hopper partner in the lobby for great discounts.

Rimmer ignored this and strapped the Holly wrist watch to his hard light arm and stepped out of the craft.

In front of him several droids were milling about organizing some sort of red carpet for someone. Clearly they had been caught off guard and were struggling to finish. Rimmer walked towards them. One of the nearest looked up and noticed him with a look of utter horror, which for a droid with only one eye and no mouth was pretty impressive. It dashed over to another more official looking mechanoid and pointed back to Rimmer.

The official smoothed its black wig over and briskly walked over to Rimmer.

Rimmer thinking this must be some sort of customs official went straight into nothing to declare speech. However the mech assured him that this was not a problem and it was a lovely surprise to see him so return so soon. The mech barked out a command and a small kart was brought to meet them.

"Please sir, with our compliments." Beckoned the mech towards the small white kart.

Rimmer knew something was up, but whatever it was he was beginning to like it.

Rimmer climbed aboard and smiled at the official. Then putting on his best voice he said. "Thank you my man."

The official seemed pleased and climbed in next to Rimmer then taking the little wheel they trundled off over the now fully laid red carpet.

Rimmer turned to the mechanoid and suddenly a thought came to him. "You know me?"

The mech nodded.

"How?" asked Rimmer.

"Oh really sir, everyone on this planet knows of the great AJ and his fortune." Replied the mech steering the kart out into a dam night air.

"Oh I see." Said Rimmer playing along.

"I assume we are going to AJ manor or would you prefer the lodge sir?" asked the mech.

Rimmer was about to say the manor when a thought occurred to him, Mrs AJ might be home and he was not totally ready to meet her. "The lodge actually please."

The mech spun the kart around and they headed out towards the edge of town. After awhile Rimmer noticed that the houses in this part of town seemed further apart, and a lot nicer than the ones around the landing bay.

The kart swung into a side street and then through two large iron gates. It proceeded up the drive until it reached an impressive looking house. Has the kart approached the front the large iron front door swung open and a droid swept forward to greet them.

Rimmer stepped out of the Kart and turned to the driver. "Err sorry but I don't seem to have anything on me." He said apologetically.

"Oh sir, it's OK we will charge your account at the landing bay. Have a nice stay." And with that the kart sped down and out of the drive.

Rimmer turned to take in the lodge as it was called. It was some lodge it was massive. He looked left and right and saw it stretched for at least 500 meters in both directions. His attention was brought back to the droid that was waiting for him to enter.

Rimmer stepped forward and was greeted.

"Sir, welcome home, we were not expecting you tonight. I am afraid the lady of the house is not here. Shall I send for a hopper to bring her from the manor sir?" said the droid a little too helpfully.

Rimmer shook his head firmly. "No No, we are just having a little time apart. You know busy busy busy nice to have a bit of me time."

"Of course sir, please go through and I will bring you something to eat and drink shortly." Said the droid beckoning him forward.

Rimmer walked into the lodge and whistled. This place was impressive. He walked into a large room with very relaxing looking chairs. Rimmer sat down and sighed at the luxury. 'Not bad at all me old mucker' he thought.

From his side a voice broke his moment.

"Hey, do you mind, it's rude to ignore your passenger you know." Then holly looked around and he too whistled. "Nice place."

"Yes" nodded Rimmer, "Apparently it's mine."

"Married and wealthy, you have done well, any chance of a loan?" Said Holly.

Rimmer got up and looked around. He was searching for some clue to his wife, but none of the photos in this room showed any females. They where all pictures of him or at least someone that looked like him in various poses. One with him and a fishing rod, another him and a rifle, another him and a tennis racket and cup, another him opening up some sort of building. Clearly Rimmer could not have done all these things in the short time he had been away from Red Dwarf, could he?

"Holly what the smeg is going on?" asked Rimmer in frustration.

"Don't know dude, but looks like you landed it big. You know I've always liked you don't you?" said Holly changing his tune and sucking up to Rimmer.

"No you haven't." stated Rimmer.

"Well I want you to know you ever need a computer with an IQ of 6000 I'm your man, anytime anywhere." Said Holly winking at Rimmer.

"Look you gimboid, I don't own this fortune, clearly there is some sort of mix-up and the real AJ who happens to look like me has jumped town for a bit." Said Rimmer.

"Oh yeah, that could be it, I hadn't thought of that." Said Holly.

At that moment the droid returned with a tray of refreshments. "Sir anything else I can get you."

Rimmer nodded. "Yes, is there a photo here of my wife?"

The droid set the tray down on a nearby table. "I'm sorry sir there isn't. Not since that accident, you had them all burnt."

"Why?" asked Rimmer.

"You couldn't face seeing what she once was and now had become." Replied the Droid dramatically.

"I see, thank you."

"Anything else sir. I need to charge my circuits you see." Asked the Droid.

Rimmer waved him away and sat down again.

"She's hideous isn't she?" he said.

"Sounds like it mate. If I was you I would find out where the loot is stashed, find the boys and skip town again. I guess you only did part of that plan last time." Said Holly.

Rimmer picked up a strange looking fruit and tried it. "Oh my god, this is delicious." he said, licking his fingers and taking a second bite.

"Never mind that remember the black hole thingy." Reminded Holly.

Rimmer popped the fruit in and moaned once more in ecstasy. "MmmmmMMm, you're right Holly, any ideas?"

"Well I've been trying to hack into the police computer, but It seems to have a password. So I'm working on the local ToysRSpace site instead." Said Holly.

"How is that going to help?" asked Rimmer.

"I don't know, but it's got some great offers on." Said Holly excitedly.

Rimmer got up and walked around the room. He came across a small door on the other side and opened it. Stepping inside he saw it was some sort of study. He sat down at the desk and rested his hand on the table top. Instantly it burst into life displaying stock and news information in multiple windows. Rimmer quickly realised he could move the windows around with his hand and flicked through the news, which oddly enough he could read, even though the letter shapes meant nothing to him. One title caught his eye.

'ALIENS FOUND IN ALLEY'

He enlarged it and read on. 'Three non world life forms where today found in an alley with 30 million Dice dollar chips. Police droids have apprehended these aliens and have reportedly said they will be brought to justice swiftly. Rimmer quickly scanned for the date. It was 2nd Jan, according to the clock in the corner of the screen that was yesterday.

"Found them." He said out loud.

"Really, where I don't see them." Said Holly.

"Not here, they are in Jail." Said Rimmer.

"Jail birds huh, they always seemed the type." Said Holly.

"Come on we have to see if we can get them out." Said Rimmer advancing towards the door. Just then he noticed a small black device on another table. He bent down and picked it up. The device flickered into life. The screen welcomed him and informed him his card had credit good for 20 million dice dollars. Rimmer grinned and took it with him.

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_ToysRSpace a little play on the retail outlet ToysRUs, anyone with children soon learns that Toys take up lots and lots of space! Hence my play on the name. hehe._

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**NEXT TIME: Rimmer goes to bail out Lister, Kryten and Cat and bumps into an old friend he would rather not have.**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

The space hopper jumped long and high through the streets towards downtown. Unlike the one Lister had stolen back on Mimas this one was in good working order and it had none of the issues that Listers bone crunching one did.

The hopper finally stopped outside a building marked 'Police Head Quarters Downtown'. Rimmer paid the droid driver and jumped down onto the wet street. He ran quickly to the cover of the door way and pushed it open.

Inside he was greeted by a large droid with the words 'Reception Officer' written on its badge.

"Welcome, how can we help you citizen?" it said chirpily.

"I'm looking for someone, actually three people." Said Rimmer.

"Please describe." Said the droid.

Rimmer thought for a second and reeled off descriptions for Lister, Cat and Rimmer. The droid didn't say anything and departed swiftly through a rather secure looking door.

"Do you think he knows them?" asked Holly.

Rimmer brought Holly in front of him. "Given the look on his face I'd say. Hang on somethings happening."

Four large droids appeared from the secure door, followed by a smaller one.

The smaller droid which was about a third of the others approached Rimmer. "Mr AJ, good to see you sir. Had the reception officer said it was you I would have not brought the mussel with me. How can we help."

Rimmer eyed the larger droids nervously. "I'm looking for my friends." He said.

"Yes the three aliens. They are being held on charges sir." Then grinning he added, "I put them in a very small cell with some very smelly Gelfs.

"What charges are those?" asked Rimmer his eyes still flicking nervously from each of the large droids.

"They are wanted for illegally entering the district, and loitering with intent."

Rimmer looked directly at the small droid. "Intent to do what?" he asked.

"Intent to gamble sir." Replied the droid.

Rimmer remembered the article that said they had been found with the money. So they must have been heading to some sort of illegal gambling den when they got caught. '_Typical_.' Thought Rimmer.

"What's the bail?" Rimmer asked.

"Two hundred and fifty thousand dollar pounds each." Grinned the droid.

Rimmer handed over his card and watched as it disappeared inside a small slot on the front of the droid and reappeared a few moments later. "Thank you sir, they will be right out." And with that the droid exited back through the doors, taking his extras with him.

Rimmer looked around and noticed a small metal bench. He walked over and sat down, then began twiddling his thumbs while he waited.

A few minutes later he heard Lister, a full thirty seconds before he saw him.

"Hey, take your shiny metal hand off me will you, I know the way out." Shouted Lister.

The large doors swung open and Lister, Kryten and the Cat walked through. Lister saw Rimmer and grinned. "Rimmer, good to see you man. These metal heads seem to have the wrong guys, but I see they have come to there senses and are letting us go."

Rimmer got up and was joined by the three. "What happened he asked?"

Kryten leant forward and whispered. "Sir, I think it best we take this conversation outside the confines of the police station."

Rimmer nodded and they all stepped back out into the damp night. The four began to walk down the street looking for a hopper to hire.

"So what did happen?" asked Rimmer.

Lister stopped to light a cigarette. The glow of the end lit his face. "See me and the boys here decided that we needed to get in on the action." Started Lister.

"What action?" asked Rimmer waving away the smoke that had drifted towards his face.

"Well you being this big shot gambler we I thought we could get a slice of the pie. I know my cards right Cat?" said Lister nudging the Cat who was busy combing his hair.

"Sure, this guy can play snap like no one else." Said the Cat helpfully.

"No, you know what I mean. Anyway we took the case you gave me and heard there was this big game going down. The only thing was it was a sting and we ended up in the nick."

"How the smeg did I get that kind of money?" said Rimmer unsure of anything anymore.

"Rimmer your rich, everyone treats you like god here. Apparently you're some hot shot gambler and you struck it rich playing the dice."

Rimmer rubbed his head. "Well that explains the fancy house and the credit card with a black hole in credit. But what about this." Said Rimmer holding up his ringed hand.

Lister saw the ring and winced. "Arrhh that. Yes seems your duple ganger on this world is married. Apparently she's really nice."

"Duple, so I'm not really rich?" said Rimmer confused.

"Well kinda, from what you said you entered into some sort of deal and gave us that cash, said you were going to settle down."

"Settle down, I got married." Said Rimmer wincing.

"I know, we were a little shocked when we read about it in the paper. I mean you didn't even invite us man."

"Well I can't remember any of it, I woke up this morning back on Red Dwarf with Holly here telling me that we had all on AWOL on this planet and only I returned. Oh and there is a black hole up there about to make RedDwarf a lot lot smaller." Blurted Rimmer.

Hollys voice broke the stunned silence. "Yeah that's right dude, I'm going to be flatter than a Ipad after it's been through a steam press."

"Smeg, that's not good is it. We better get going." Said Lister.

"You think?" replied Rimmer sarcastically.

"Hey guys, is that one of those rabbit thingy bobs over there?" said the Cat pointing to a hopper sitting on the far side of the street.

Lister stepped out into the road but quickly jumped back as a black hopper thumped down in the exact spot he had just stepped back from. He raised his fist and shouted at the offending hopper driver. In what seemed like a response the blacked out window of the hopper slowly slid down, and was replaced by a large and rather ugly looking human head.

"Sorry about that chum, my fault, I missed." he said grinning.

Rimmer gulped, he recognised the man from his earlier flash back. "That's OK, completely my friends fault here, he moved. Maybe next time. Goodbye."

Lister turned to look at Rimmer but found that he was already halfway across the street. He dashed after him. "Hey, what the smeg was that all about?"

Rimmer didn't stop, nor did he turn around. "Just keep walking Lister." He hissed.

Behind them a clunking sound came from the hoppers door closing, quickly followed by the dull thud of someone landing, someone very heavy. Rimmer sped up and the others followed.

Then something screamed passed the groups left side and exploded into the ground. Lister stopped and turned to see the large hopper driver was pointing some sort of weapon at them, all the time still grinning. "Now there's a guy who likes his work." He mused.

A second bolt thudded into the ground only this time much closer. Rimmer stopped.

"Mr Big wants a word." Called the man with the large gun.

Kryten stepped forward. "And you are Mr big?" he asked hopeful that Mr Big was not a friendly reference to the mans gun.

"Naaa get in, you can bring your friends with you. More fun for me later." He said waving the gun at the hoppers open rear door.

"I think he knows you Rimmer. You know some nice people man." Said Lister walking towards the hopper.

"Oh you know, one tries to get about." Joked Rimmer nervously.

* * *

The four of them bounced across town in silence, no one dared speak encase their driver decided to have his fun early.

After an agonizing 20 minutes the hopper bounced to a halt. "Everybody out." Demanded the guy from the front.

The four of them jumped, climbed and fell in Krytens case onto the smooth brick drive.

"Follow!" said the big guy.

Lister looked up the drive to a luxury house. "Nice, very nice."

"It's nice, but not a patch on mine." said Rimmer idly.

They followed the mass of meat into the house and down a corridor before he stopped and tapped lightly on the door. On the far side a voice called out. "Come!"

He opened the door and proceeded inside, when he realised the others had not followed he turned and coughed loudly, causing Rimmer to step back in fright.

The room was lavishly decorated, a huge fire burned some sort of blue logs, while above it a large beasts head with a single horn almost six feet long hang in place. Near the window a large metal desk was covered in photos of sheep. Behind the desk a large figure sat shadowed but the wall. It was puffing at a foot long cigar because the four could see the glow as each intake of breath was performed.

The four lined up in front of the desk and the thug introduced them.

"AJ and his friends for you Mr Big."

The figure nodded. "Good work Tiny. Stick around I might need you."

"Sure thing boss." Said Tiny stepping back to warm himself by the fire.

Rimmer lent over and whispered into Listers ear. "If that's Tiny, I hate to run into his brother Midget."

The figure slammed his fist down onto the table, causing the photos to jump and for the first time the four could see his hand wasn't human, it was metal.

"NO SECRETS now AJ, were all friends aren't we?" said Mr Big drawing his hand back into the shadows.

Rimmer gulped. "Of course, it's just we are not used to such hospitality, kind sir."

The figure leant forward coming out of the shadows. His metal features shaped into that of a large human being came slowly into view. Kryten muttered under his breath. "Android!"

"How very right you are mechanoid. I am an android, but here I am so much more. This world is mine and your friend here owes me." Said Mr Big his feature scowling and his metal finger pointing in Rimmers direction.

Lister had enough, he wasn't having fun anymore. Sure this trip had started well enough but after Rimmer disappeared and then re-appeared boasting about loads of money he was now bored. "Listen, err Mr big, there has been some big mistake. No pun intended. This guy, isn't a mega dice player, he's more likely to borrow your library book than go to a gambling den. You've got the wrong guy, how about you let us go and we'll bugger off out of town." Suggested Lister.

Mr Big grinned. "Or how about you stay as my guests until AJ here has done his little task for me." As he finished he nodded to Tiny who moved menacingly behind Lister.

"Or we could stay." Suggest Lister.

Kryten spoke again. "Sir, what exactly is Mr AJ here meant to do for you?"

"He's got to win the biggest game of the system. Dice wars 30000012. Once he does that for me I'll let you go, "he paused chewing over the next word. "maybe."

Rimmer gulped while the others looked worried. Lister suddenly had an idea. "He'll do it, but only one of us can go with him. You can keep the other two as collateral." Offered Lister.

"Which one?" asked Mr Big.

"Me." Said Lister.

Rimmer leant over again. "What the smeg are you doing Lister? I don't know how to play cards let alone Dice." He said through gritted teeth.

"Done." Said Mr Big.

"One other thing. What are all the pictures of sheep about." Asked Lister.

The android leant back into his chair returning to the shadows once more. "Can't a droid dream of sheep?" he said as if that explained everything.

**

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Next time: Rimmer must play the game of his life and he finally meets the women he has apparently married.

***Sheep photos. Not sure if you got it, but a reference to Phillip Ks 'Do Androids Dream of Electronic sheep.' Otherwise more commonly known as Blade Runner. Hehe.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello again dear reader, welcome back to another chapter in our adventure. A quick recap given it has been a week since my last upload. After a wild New Years Party, Rimmer has found out he is married and that a certain Dice world Mafia type Android wants him to place a big stakes game of Dice. We pickup the story on the way to the game.**

* * *

Chapter 4

Outside Mr Bigs place Tiny firmly ushered Rimmer and Lister into the back of the blacked out hopper once more.

"Where we going?" asked Lister.

"Secret." Replied Tiny as he brought the hopper ready for its first bounce.

"Err that's very nice and all but I don't much like secrets much." Replied Rimmer. "In fact Lister here will tell you that I actually find them very tedious."

"Good." Said Tiny menacingly.

Rimmer turned to Lister. "So why did you want to come along Listy, want to watch me fail so bad do you?"

Lister put a finger to his own lips in a command to silence Rimmer, then he lent forward to address Tiny. "Err got any tunes in this thing mate?"

Tiny reached over and twiddled a knob. Suddenly the hopper was filled with thumping music. Rimmer clasped his hands over his ears and glared at Lister.

Lister removed Rimmers left ear covering hand and spoke directly his ear. "The tunes will keep Tiny out of hearing shot."

Rimmer nodded, suddenly aware of Listers plan. He grinned. "What now?" he said leaning casually towards Lister.

Lister lent in closer to Rimmer and explained his plan. Lister had only thrown some vague ideas together, but it was a plan of sorts. Rimmer would play the game and Lister would help. With Listers professional gambling skills he felt sure he could help Rimmer win. Rimmer however looked shocked. "That's the plan!" said Rimmer shaking his head. "Great plan Lister. We play a game neither of us has ever played and cheat at the same time. Great Great plan Listy. A fine plan that goes right up there with that stupid dome thingy they built at the turn of 2000." Lister tried to remember the news about said location. "Didn't it end up some sort of car park or something?"

"And what are these gambling skills Lister, I hope you're not referring to those Thursday night sessions with Peterson down the Parrot Bar? Because if you are, I think I'd rather have Mahatma Gandhi as my partner."

"It's a plan, what you got Rimmer?"

Rimmer lent over. "I say we gosh big boy there and nick the hopper. Make a break for the space port and blast back to Red Dwarf." Said Rimmer enthusiastically.

Lister shook his head. "No way man, what about Kryten and the Cat?"

Rimmer just shrugged and the hopper bounced on.

* * *

At last the hopper stopped bouncing to which Rimmer was quite thankful. Even with the fully working suspension his head was thumping.

Tiny leant over the font seats and glared at the two of them. "Were here, time to go to work."

Rimmer just smiled and the three of them got out.

They appeared to be in a rather rough looking part of town. Lister noticed at least three burnt out buildings. "Nice neighbour hood must remember to come back sometime when it's not dark." Tiny led them through an ally towards a darkened door. He stopped and rapped on it three times. A small hatch opened and a voice from inside asked who it was.

"It's me." Said Tiny as if that was enough, and apparently it was. The door slid open flooding the ally with light. He turned to the other two and waved them in. "Come on."

A short corridor later and they it opened out into a large room with a single table in the middle. Around the table sat three other beings. Lister recognised two of them; a Gelf and Simulant, but the other he hadn't seen before. It appeared to be some sort of moving blob. A bit like something you might find in your handkerchief should you go looking.

Rimmer stopped in his tacks and grabbed Listys arm. "You sure you don't want to go with plan B?" he asked nervously.

Lister pulled him forward, until they reached the seating. The simulant grinned at Lister. "Human scum, if the Hologram loses, I win you to play with?"

Rimmer sat down and nodded to the other players as if it was required somehow, however none of the players replied.

Tiny introduced him to them. "The Simulant here is Glawdragger the third and next to him is AcchhAchhKakaka and next to her is Life-form Beta and lastly this individual joining us now you know of course." Tiny paused and signalled someone beyond the room.

Rimmer turned to see a large metal box roll up and stop next to the table. A small window was located at head height and both Rimmer and Lister could not resist a peek at who was inside.

Tiny moved closer to the box and caressed his large hand down the side as if it was some sort of body. "Your wife!"

"Man she's lovely Rimmer." Said Lister nudging Rimmer.

Rimmer had to agree the face inside the box was indeed very attractive and appeared to be human, well at least to look at. As he gazed upon the soothing face he suddenly was shocked to see it turn and smile at him.

"She's alive." Said Rimmer in shock.

Tiny grinned. "Well of course she is, you don't think Mr Big is a complete Bastard?"

Rimmer sat took his place and sat down a worrying feeling creeping up from the pit of his stomach.

Tiny turned to the rest of the group and rubbed his hands together in glee. "Lady's, Gents, Rouges and life forms let the Dice begin."

* * *

The game of dice was a lot simpler than either Lister or Rimmer could have hoped for. Basically it involved throwing two dice and getting even or odd pairs. The player with the highest pair of the round won. Unfortunately it was this very same simplicity that made it deadly serious to play. Getting into Dice was easy, getting away from it with your clothes still attached to your back was harder.

Three rounds had past and Rimmer was actually enjoying himself. He had won two of the rounds and had a hefty pill of chips in front of him. Rimmer dared a look at his wife and received a smile in return. The round began again.

The Simulant threw first. A double four. Next the Gelf, she got a pair of threes. Then his wife played, her mechanical box arms tossed the dice into the air and they all watched them land as a pair of fives. Rimmer grinned. His turn, he threw the dice and watched in horror as the first landed as a one and the second as a five. Only the life-form to go. It reached out and scooped up its dice rich promptly disappeared into the folds of what loosely could be called a hand. It then flipped out the hand and tossed the dice onto the table . They all watched, knowing that it was between the blob and Rimmer. Rimmer held his breath as the first dice stopped rolling and landed as a four. It wasn't part of a winning pair, but if the second was a pair, then Rimmer would loose. The second landed and Rimmer sighed in relief. It was a one. Rimmer smiled, he was still in. OK he was several hundred thou down but he was still in the game. He and Lister watched as Tiny made his way around quietly to where the life form was sitting or rather perched. Tiny moved something in his hand to behind the life-form and zapped it. What was ever holding the life-form together failed and the bluey slim oozed into a big wet puddle on the floor.

"Hey why did you do that for?" shouted Lister.

Tiny grinned. "Rules!"

"What, a player goes out, they go out?" said Lister in sudden understand.

Tiny nodded. "Part of the game, not only is the stakes big for the money but also for your life."

Rimmer suddenly didn't feel so confident, no longer was he playing with someone elses money he was playing with his life, all be it his holographic one.

"Errr can we take five?" asked Rimmer.

Tiny mulled it over. "Sure, I don't see why not, going to be a long one this game."

Rimmer pulled Lister away from the table and spoke in an urgent tone. "Lister, this is insane, either I get killed playing this stupid game or I watch my wife get killed."

"OK, so there are risks, there are risks in all of life. You never know when your going to get hit by a bus, do you? But what else can we do they have Kryten and the Cat, not to mention him over there." said Lister nodding to Tiny.

Rimmer glared at him. "Lister what are you dribbling about, there are no smegging buses around here. What the smeg are we going to do?"

Lister nodded towards the large metal box holding his wife. "Well, don't worry about the misses she seems to be playing a mean set of dice, and anyway she's not really your wife, is she, so what do you care?"

"That's not the point, I think AJ has something to do with her being in that box thingy. We've got to help her?" said Rimmer sounding a thousand more times heroic than normal.

"Rimmer, just play the game, something I'll happen it always does."

Both he and Rimmer returned to the table. Rimmer sucked in his breath and decided to try and talk to his wife.

"Hi." He said.

The women in the box mouthed "Hi." Silently at him.

Rimmer continued. "Err come here often." He said looking stupid.

A silent giggle could be seen on her face.

"I mean you OK in there?" said Rimmer correcting his last question to what he really meant.

He watched her face carefully and just before she turned her head away he noticed a single tear break the surface of her right eye. He knew she was in trouble and he knew more than ever wanted to help her.

* * *

Rimmer shuddered as he watched Tiny circle the room like some sort of vulture waiting for dinner. His mind had been racing, and he still had no idea how he was going to save himself, Lister, Cat, Kryten and his new wife, he was Arnold J Rimmer space coward not some burly astro who would probably gun his way out of trouble. His turn, he tossed them onto the table, hoping more than ever his luck stayed true, the dice landed a pair of fives. He was still in. The Gelf threw down a pair of ones. Rimmer looked up into the face of the Gelf who was already pleading in long winded Kinokawawee with Tiny. Tiny however was not having any of it. He had already activated the chairs retraining device and watched in fascination as the Gelf struggled against the chest bonds. Tiny raised his gun and sent the Gelf to be with its final tribe.

"Do you have to do that?" asked Rimmer.

"Yeah, it's in me contract." Replied Tiny dragging the slumped Gelf backwards towards a hidden door.

"Couldn't you have just chucked her out?" Rimmer looked around the remaining players. "I mean would any of us objected? I know I would have not of minded." He said looking at the others for signs of support. Unfortunately none came.

Tiny returned wiping his hands on a dirty towel. "PLAY!" he said harshly.

Rimmer looked down at the pot. It was now a cool 23.5 million Dice dollar pounds. He looked up at his wife, who had made no further eye contact with him since before; she was also staring down at her dice. Rimmer looked over at the other remaining contestant, the Simulant. It smiled a row of badly maintained teeth at him.

Rimmer threw down his dice, he had to admit that so far he had been very lucky. The pair rolled across the open space on the green table top. The pair stopped rotating and revealed a pair of Sixes. Rimmer grinned, or maybe he was just dam good at this game after all.

His wife went next, she threw down a pair of fours. 'Not great, but he'd seen worse rolls this night.' He thought

The Simulant threw and Rimmer for the first time noticed that they were unlike his dice, these were fashioned out of some sort of white shiny material. The Simulant noticed his questioning eye on his dice and supplied the answer. "Human Bone, I find it rolls well."

Rimmer shuddered and read the dice. A pair of fours.

"Oh dear, looks like we have a draw." Grinned the Simulant.

Tiny lent over the table and looked at each play in turn. "Rules, are play again, just the two of them until one is gone."

Rimmer gulped. He could not bear this. There was a possibility that the lady in the Box would meet some sticky fate right here before his very eyes.

The Simulant wasted no time and threw down another pair of fives but then so did the lady in the box. Next a pair of threes, so did she. Next a pair of sixes. Rimmer could not bear it any longer and closed his eyes and waited. He heard her dice land and then Listers voice. "It's OK Rimmer she got a pair of sixes too. It's like they are in tune with each other or something."

Then something odd happened. The stimulant winked at Lister. Lister was sure it just happened. Simulants are known for a lot of strange things but winking at humans their ultimate enemy was not one of them.

The battle of the dice suddenly drew to a close, at last the pair had a winner. Her dice had landed on a two and a three while his a pair of threes. Technically the Simulant was the winner. Rimmer shot a look at Tiny who was already heading round towards the box.

"No, you can't."

Tiny ignored him and was just about to pull the trailing lead from the unit when his face changed to one of utter surprise.

Rimmer and Lister watched as a streak of red tickled down the big mans head and then as he fell forwards on to the floor.

Lister looked over at the Simulant, who was holding a small gun aimed at the last place Tiny had stood.

Lister was confused. "Err why did you do that for, you're a blood sucking piece of scum, hate all life kinda rant is you. What do you care if another human dies." Finished Lister.

To answer him both Lister and Rimmer watched as the Simulant ripped off a mask and revealed another Rimmer. Or at least someone doing a dam good job of looking like him.

"Sorry chaps, didn't want Tiny there killing the Mrs." Said the stranger.

Lister and Rimmer looked at each other and both said one name. "AJ?"

"Yep that's me, sorry about the disguise but these guys don't like me much and so you see needed a way in." said AJ stripping off another layer of makeup.

Lister suddenly noticed the voice. "Err your not related to Ace Rimmer are you?" he asked.

"Nope, never hear of the chap. Now we better get Alice out of here. Can you give me a hand?" said AJ moving round to the box.

Rimmer smiled and thought. 'Alice, that's a nice name. Alice Rimmer, yes he liked the sound of that.' Unfortunately the other half of his brain remembered the situation and what he suspected was AJs doing.

Rimmer held up his hand. "HANG ON a smegging second. You put her in that thing, what makes you think we want to help you?" said Rimmer his voice straining with accusation.

"OK fair cop, it was me. But I had no choice fellas. Mr Big he had me in a squeeze. It was that." Said AJ pointing to Alice and her box. "or well the other is two options are too painful to think about."

"And did Alice have a say in this little venture?" said Rimmer bluntly.

AJ looked down at the floor. "I had no time, look they were going to kill her. It was the only option."

Lister intervened. "It's OK man, you here for her now right?"

Rimmer wasn't as impressed as Lister. "Oh great you astro big shot types are all the same, look after number one and leave everyone else in the dirt."

"No, it's not like that, I had no choice. I risked a lot to be here tonight friend. Now if you don't mind we don't have long, that box she is in expires in another 8 hours."

"OH, isn't there some of sort of catch? Normally I find there is." Suggest Lister.

"Sorry, not that simple. These things are dead locked only one key can open it."

"Let me guess," said Lister. "Big man?"

AJ nodded. "We have to get the key. I'm going to his place. Any help would be welcome but I understand if you chaps want to split."

Lister shook his head. "Naww we've got business with Big Man too. He's got two of our friends. Count us in man."

**

* * *

**

**Next time: Rimmer and Lister accompany AJ in a bid to rescue Alice from her box and get Kryten and the Cat away from Mr Big.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks for coming back. It's been awhile since my post on this story (been busy). However to remind you of where things are at it goes something like this. Rimmer went on a bender with Lister to a world were he got married and returned home without any memory of this. After piecing the bits back together he goes in search of Lister only to find himself in the place of a big time gambler with money owed to a big shot droid. A card game goes his way when his double ganger on this world plays his hand and now the guys are heading back to Mr Big (the Android) to fix things with Mrs Rimmer (she's in a box).**

Chapter 5

A black and yellow streaked City Sprinter leap and bound down the back streets at high speed. In the back sat Rimmer, Lister and the box containing Alice. Up front sat AJ , he was tapping controls and tuting to himself as he struggled to keep his vehicle going forward. A City Sprinter was basically a cross between a dragster, 4x4 and a hopper. The problem with this was, nobody had bothered to tell the mixed up vehicle that these three designs are meant to get along. Right now it was showing its dislike at this strange configuration by displaying an array of worryingly bright looking alarms lights.

Rimmer lent forward a little so he could see the side of AJ's head. "Err excuse me Mr AJ but have you got a plan." He said choosing to ignore the warning lights. "I only ask because it seems Mr Big must be pretty dam hard to get to meet, else you would have done so before now."

AJ looked round and both Rimmer and Lister looked suddenly alarmed at his lack of road attention. AJ smiled. "Don't worry lads this things got Botnav. Hands-free and all that jazz."

AJ dug around in the dashboard clove box. The fact that the City Sprinter still had clove boxes was a testament to the complete and utter uselessness of them. Often to small and only just big enough for one can of super de-icer they are devoid of usefulness. This single fact secured their continuation, if only to but a dry smile on the face of every designer that included one. AJ finally held up a small device that was no bigger than a tennis ball, he held it forward for the others to see. It appeared to be made of a grey metal and looked to have two press switched on the side, ON and OFF.

Lister offered a guess. "Grenade?"

AJ shook his head. "Nope this baby is an EMP device. I kick this thing off and bang anything electronic gets fried."

Rimmer looked alarmed. "I hate to bring it to your attention, but I can't be in on this plan."

"Come on man, we're a team." Said Lister.

AJ suddenly realised Rimmers concern. "Oh, yes didn't figure on a hologram tagging along. You're right you better not be around when I trigger this sucker. It's going to knock out the whole building."

Now it was Listers turn to look alarmed. "Hey hold on a second, what about Kryten man, he's in there. That thing will fry his circuits."

AJ rubbed his chin. "Looks like it's going to be your job boys to get your friends out before I trigger this thing."

"And what if we can't?" asked Rimmer his voice full of concern for his own safety.

AJ looked serious. "Sorry chaps, but I got to do this."

* * *

Kryten waddled along the corridor to Mr Bigs office. His movement was even more restricted than normal. This was due to the appropriately named device around his ankles, the Restrictor He reached the door and knocked waiting for a response.

"Come." Said Mr Big from the other side of the door.

Kryten pushed open the door and entered.

"Excuse me sir, the bun you ordered." Said Kryten moving to the table and placing the large iced bun on it.

Kryten thought it very odd that an android would want such a thing and felt compelled to ask. "Sir, if I may be so bold, why a sticky bun. Surely you have no need for just a thing?"

Mr Big picked up the bun in his metal fingers, his ciruits struggling to deal with the soft sticky dough. He examined it slowly. "It reminds me of what I am not. What I can never be."

Kryten looked confused. "You want to be a sticky bun?"

"I want more, I want to be so much more than this."

Krytens circuits clicked. "Oh, you want to be human? Sir, I can assure you it's not all that its cracked up to be. Trust me I've tried it. You loose your FM radio and that's just for starters."

Mr Bigs voice changed, it was now a more dangerous tone. "I want to be more than Human I want to be a god."

"Hmmm you know this is not logically, we were made by them, and our function is limited to that what we are." Said Kryten philosophically.

Mr Big abruptly put the bun down, angered by Krytens last remark. "Bring me some 3 and 1, and make it snappy mechanoid!"

Kryten nodded and left the room to the sounds of metal jaws chomping.

* * *

"Hey this is the place." Said Lister looking out of the window.

"Yep, Mr Bigs place alright. OK you go find you friend and I'll deal with the big guy." Said AJ opening the door.

Rimmer and Lister joined him outside and the three set off up the drive, about half way up a sound caused AJ to dive for cover. He franticly signalled for the others to do the same. Rimmer and Lister found cover just as a Hopper bounced down the drive and past their hiding spot without stopping.

AJ signalled it was OK to move. "I think we should stick to the trees."

All three stood at the wall to the house. Rimmer looked around nerviously then directed his attention to AJ. "What's the plan, we can't just knock on the front door."

AJ grinned. "Yep we can. Well I can."

"That's your plan. What you going to say. Oh hey I'm back and by the way I killed your henchman."

AJ nodded. "Something like that yes."

They watched as AJ trotted up to the front door. Before he rang the bell her winked at them.

"He's got some balls Rimmer, he's not at all like you is he?" said Lister grinning at the sight of AJ.

Rimmer ignored him he was thinking of the women in the box back at the car.

* * *

Lister climbed up on Rimmers hardlight shoulders. "A little higher Rimmer, almost got it." Lister reached for the window seal. "There got it." He said pulling himself up and into the open window.

"Lister, Lister" called Rimmer seeing Lister disappear into the room.

Lister re-appeared and lent out of the window to offer Rimmer a pair of arms. "All clear . Come on man jump!"

Rimmer stepped back a few paces and ran at the wall, at the last minute he sprang on his feet and reached for Lister.

"Gotcha!" said Lister finding Rimmers hands. Lister pulled Rimmer inside who suddenly looked rather alarmed.

"Lister where the smeg are we, there is enough weapons on these walls to start a small war."

Lister looked about at the amass of weapons that hung on the walls in neat rows of death. "Guess some sort of armoury. Let's get out of here before someone finds us and puts these things to use."

Rimmer nodded and the headed to the door.

Lister opened it just a crack and peered out. "Coast is clear."

Just as Lister was about to depart Rimmer grabbed him. "Lister where the smeg are we going, we don't even know where Kryten is!"

Lister smiled. "Easy, he's were he always is. The kitchen."

* * *

AJ had been greeted and was now being lead down the corridor towards Mr Bigs room. In his right hands side pocket, his hand covered the EMP device.

The droid leading him arrived at the door to AJs private office and knocked. He waited for a reply. After 30 seconds of no response he tried again, still none came, so he knocked again more urgently this time. Still no reply the droid was just about to push the door open to investigate when a voice gave permission for AJ to enter.

AJ looked at the droid and smiled then entered Mr Bigs office. The first thing he noticed was the room was darker than last time he had been here. The fire was out and the room was getting cold for starters, then there was the windows the thick black steel shutters had been activated causing the room to be even darker.

AJ stood waiting for some sort of greeting. None came so he decided to engage Mr Big directly. "Mr Big?"

The figure at the desk shuffled.

AJ took a step forward and continued his one way dialogue. "I've got some bad news. Tiny has taken early retirement." Said AJ trying to make out more features of the person at the desk. Something clearly was not right. He decided to take a risk and took several steps towards the desk.

A hand suddenly came into view and a voice joined it. "Please sir, no further."

"Hey you're not Mr Big!" said AJ thrusting forward and turning on the light on the desk.

In front of him Kryten sat uncomfortably. "Oh please sir, don't tell anyone there has been a terrible accident."

AJ lent over the desk and noticed a pair of metal legs sticking out from under it. "Is that who I think it is?"

Kryten nodded. "I'm so sorry, I was in the middle of trying to clean him up when you knocked."

AJ moved round to the other side and dragged the android back out from under the desk. He could see the front chest board was completely out and it looked like a dish cloth had been wrapped around it.

"What happened?" AJ asked prodding the lifeless figure.

"Well I was brining him his requested drink and as I approached his desk this blasted restrictor unit on my leg caught me and I tripped. There was nothing I could do the drink flew up and over his front unit. The next thing there was sparks everywhere."

AJ relaxed the grip on his EMP device. Clearly this Mechanoid had done his work for him, but that in it self might be a problem.

"What's your name fella?"

"Kryten sir and you are?"

"AJ, friend of a friend to you. Now, help me up with him, let's get him on the desk."

Kryten looked pleased. "Oh sir, are you going to help me fix him?"

AJ looked serious and pulled out some sort of small computer. "No, I'm going to strip out his memory."

Shock washed over Kryten, he was quite sure Mr Big was not a nice Android but he was also 100% sure memory stripping was illegal in at least 13 of the 16 space sectors.

"Sir, I don't think you should do that."

AJ continued on inqnoring the mechanoids protests.

Kryten began to fluster. "Sir, please stop."

A that moment the door burst open to reveal Lister with his booted foot hanging mid air from the force of the kick.

"Alright guys?" he asked putting his leg down.

"Oh sir I am so glad you are here, this man is trying to strip this droid of his memory and I'm fairly sure he's not going to put it back after." Said Kryten flapping from behind the desk.

"Boys you made it. Is this your unit?" asked AJ waving his free hand at Kryten.

Rimmer seeing that the threat in the room was laid out on the desk strode in. "Yep unfortunately he is. Why are you in need of some spare parts?"

Kryten looked shocked.

Lister walked up to the desk and peered down at the android. "Ugly mother isn't he? Has he got the info you need?"

AJ glanced at the screen. "Just getting the update on that now."

The three others crowed over the small screen. It blipped up a message. '_Data Received – Processing…'_

Lister nudged Kryten. "Where's the Cat?"

"He's in a room on the 1st floor. They locked him in with only a mirror, he must be so terribly bored with only one single mirror." Said Kryten still looking worried.

Lister smiled. "Nawww he'll be fine. AJ Kryten and I will go find Cat you and Rimmer make sure you have what you need.

* * *

One floor up Kryten ushered Lister down the corridor towards a large wooden door. "In here sir, oh I do hope he's OK. 12 hours he's been there."

Lister checked the door. "Locked, some sort of electronic lock."

Kryten stepped forward. "Let me sir." With that he untwisted a finger and slit it into the lock. After a few seconds a dull click was heard and the door swung open.

Lister beamed. "Nice one Kryten, not just a pretty face are you."

Pleased at his usefulness Krytens worry eased a tad.

Lister walked into the room, finding the Cat just was he expected to find him, posing in front of the mirror.

"Hey it's you. What do you think, this pose," said the Cat striking a dramatic position in front of the mirror, "or this one?"

"It doesn't matter, we have to go." Said Lister.

"Doesn't matter to you monkey, but to me this is the problem of the universe. What could be bigger than my best side." Replied the Cat bouncing from one pose to the other.

Kryten stepped forward. "I think what Mr Lister is trying to say is how could we decide between them, after all isn't all sides of you equally as perfect."

The Cat stopped and looked at the Mechanoid. "You know for a pile of plastic and bolts your pretty smart. Where's this perfect looking body going to bud?"

* * *

AJ stood silently browsing the mini computers results while Rimmer idly took inspected the rooms contents.

"Just look at this will you, a totally preserved Mimian Bladder Fish." Said Rimmer peering into the yellow substance of the jar that rested on a low shelf.

Receiving no response Rimmer continued his self styled tour. "Oh and this, this is rare he's got a copy of Les Pauls dance ballads the extreme remix. I heard they had them all destroyed after that mass deafness incident."

AJ grunted in disinterest.

Rimmer meanwhile had walked over to a tall wooden cabinet. He pulled at the handles and smiled as the two doors swung open. Inside was row after row of white dove figurines. '_Odd'_ thought Rimmer closing the doors and turning to look at AJ.

"So AJ what you got?" said Rimmer returning to AJs side.

AJ looked up and smiled. "I got us one key." He said beaming.

"Excellent, so what do it open?" he asked completely forgetting the whole point of their mission.

"It opens the box, you know the one with Mrs Rimmer in it?"

Rimmer looked hurt. "Now wait a god dam minute I may have married the poor girl but I was obviously under some sort of influence at the time."

AJ threw Rimmer a dirty look his hand rested on the EP grenade. "Look Arnold, I've been really nice so far, let's just say that could all change. You come down here to my planet, steal my girl and drink my whisky. What makes you so sure I won't click my little friend here into life." He said pulling out the round ball.

Rimmer gulped and held up his hands in defence. "Now, there's no need to get all up tight about things my good friend." Rimmer took a step backwards towards the door and in response AJ snarled.

"What give's you the right to anything of mine, just because you look like me doesn't make us family." Hissed AJ.

"Yes, quite so." Said Rimmer taking another small step backwards.

The doors to the room flew open and the Cat danced in. "Owwwweeeee How am I looking?" he said pulling out his favourite hand mirror." Lister and Kryten followed him in.

"Alright you two?" said Lister his easy going question turning to suspicion as he said what AJ was holding. "Hey what's going on here, AJ?"

AJ relaxed his hand to his side and breathing more slowly. "I've got the data, we need to go!" he said without further explanation.

Lister looked to Rimmer.

Rimmer shrugged and stood aside as AJ swept past him.

* * *

The group stood around the metal box while AJ began to tap in a sequence of codes.

"Is she going to be OK?" asked Lister.

"Should be, we've been through a lot her an I." said AJ pressing the complete key.

"OK everyone stand back, give her some room." Said AJ backing off.

They watched as the device hissed and moaned, then a small screen on the side flicked up a message. 'Microbe killer disabled.'

"YES!" said AJ at the news.

The box hissed one final time and then gave up it's contents to the world as four metal clips sprang open.

Inside a bunch of cables and tubes popped off causing the contents to let out a small scream at each removal.

"Is she OK?" asked Rimmer sounding concerned.

"She will be, it's got to disconnect her from the units life support system." Said AJ.

Inside the box Alice rubbed her weak arms and made a tentative step forward. She regretted it almost immediately as the world began to spin and go black.

AJ noticed the faint and dashed forward to just catch her mid fall. He placed her lightly on the ground and checked her condition.

"Sir if I may, I have a basic understanding of human first aid, if I may." Said Kryten leaning down next to AJ and Alice.

AJ looked over his shoulder a worried expression. "She'll be OK, she just needs time, but sure take a look."

Kryten ran his sci-scanner over the unconscious women. He then checked the readings. "Hmm" he said.

"What?" asked Lister who was watching from the sidelines.

"Oh nothing, as Mr AJ says she will be just fine. Hang on a sec I have something that might help, health stabilizer." At which Kryten injected Alice with his prescribed drug.

Almost at once her eyes flicked open and her hand whipped up and slapped Kryten across the face. She quickly realised her mistake and uttered and apology. "Oh I am sorry I thought you where someone else."

Kryten rubbed his plastic cheek, not hurt but surprised. "Welcome back online mam, may I inquire who that slap was targeted for?"

Alice looked past Kryten and pointed at AJ. "HIM!"

* * *

Lister sat at the metal table in his quarters eating his third dish of curry, when Rimmer walked in.

"Alright Rimmer?"

Rimmer looked up idly as if in a dream. "What, why shouldn't I be?"

"Because you just got a devoice from a beautiful women Rimmer, that's why. Anyone would understand." Said Lister flicking a lump of processed chicken up and into his open mouth.

Rimmer stopped at the mirror his back to Lister. "It's OK, she wasn't my type."

"Not your type, what is your type Rimmer."

"My type, is not the sort that goes around drugging people up to the eyeballs then marrying them and then shopping them to the local mafia so her boyfriend can save his pretty arse."

"OH yeah there was that. Anyway all worked out in the end, and I got some fresh supplies. Want a curry?" offered Lister pushing a half eaten plate towards Rimmers back.

Rimmer shook his head. "No thank you, and in future I shall be spending new years eve alone, if there is one thing this little adventure has taught me. Its that being a loner is a lot safer than being with you Lister."

"OK man, whatever. But next year we should be passing an abandoned pleasure bot world, but if your not interested we will give it a miss."

Rimmer turned around to face Lister. "Maybe we should Lister, maybe." and with that he silently walked out.

The End


End file.
